No Filter!!

So its been a minute!!! A lot has happened since I wrote last. Sorry I will try harder to post more : ) 

***So what's new??!!! Well I have an official diagnoses. I have Major depressive disorder with psychotic features. Before you all start thinking i'm a psychopath or murderer or something the reason they call it psychotic features in my case is because I have realistic visuals sometimes, about the people I love dead or dying and myself dead or dying in some horrible ways. They said the reason why they think I have the visuals is because when I love someone I love them literally to the point that I psycho analyze every possible way I could loose them because im scared to lose them and when I know they are driving or swimming or anything like that I freak out and think that my visuals will come true! I have the visuals about myself because im scared of losing the people I love and put myself in the situation so I die and not them.. Sounds crazy I know and that's why I have been hesitant to tell people but when I started this blog I said I was going to be honest and share my journey in my recovery. They have me on a mood stabilizer called Lamotrigine (150mg)  that I take in the mornings and im also on 300 mg of Seroquel a day I take 100 mg in the morning and 200 mg at bed time. They will be starting me on an anti anxiety medicine within the next few weeks as well.

***I am almost 7 months SOBER : ) WOW!!I am so proud of myself!! I never thought I could be this strong. I dont even crave alcohol any more! I have thought about it every once in a while but the urge to actually drink isn't there anymore. (December 3rd was the last drink I had) 

***I haven't cut myself in almost a year. I dont know how I will feel when August 16th gets here and its the official one year anniversary. A lot of emotions will be there I am sure. I would be lying if I said that I haven't want to sometimes or thought about it. 

***Sammie is having gallbladder problems so she will be having it taken out soon. I know she is ready to have it out. I am a nervous wreck about her having surgery! 

***Our 6 year Anniversary is coming up on July 31st.. I love that woman so damn much!! She really is my rock. Without her I would be lost in this world. She takes such good care of me emotionally, physically and in every other way possible. Her 30th Birthday is coming up as well and she is freaking the fuck out lol.. August 9th she will prob. cry all day. Bless her heart. I love her being older though. I think it's sexy!! I love a more mature woman if you know what I mean ; ) I have heard a lot of couples talk about how their sex life with their significant other gets boring after the first few years but we have found that it's getting better as each year passes. Not that it has ever needed to be better its just happened that way. Sorry if that was TMI but hey if you're reading this then you know me and well I have no filter!! ; ) 

***My weight is still an issue. I have tried losing weight but being on Seroquel it's damn near impossible. I can't take any kinda of dietary supplements to help curb my apatite. Seroquel makes me snack a lot. I am constantly hungry. I have been trying all kinds of natural ways to curb my apatite but it's hard. So I have decided to cut meat out of my diet except fish and chicken but they have to be grilled or baked and only in olive oil. Red meats are horrible for you.It's a slow process cutting out meats but I have found some really good meat alternatives that my big brother told me about because he is a vegetarian. So that helps. Next step cutting out  sugar (we already use splenda and dont have sugar in the house but im talking about snacks and such) and soda, that will be harder for sure. I am taking it one step at a time because I dont wanna get over whelmed or diet to strictly because I could easily slip back into my bulimia.I have never really been a bread person so that has been an easy one to get rid of. We eat sweet potatoes instead of regular ones. We use smart balance butter and only olive oil no other kinds. Fruits and veggies are fully stocked at all times!! : )

***We have 4 cats now!! Walker and P.Ranger our big babies (AKA: big baby son and big baby daughter) that will be 2 on July 22nd and our additions Charli and Barnie (AKA: tiny baby son and tiny baby daughter) lol!! Charli was named before she was born. When the mommy cat was preggers we knew wanted one so we pre named it and chose Charli. She is black with white and light orange coloring and Barnie is a boy. He is orange like Walker. My dad named him Barnie because he looks like Barnie 5 from the Andy Griffith show because his eyes bug out lol. We ended up with 2 kittens instead of 1 because one of the people that were going to get one backed out at the last minute but hey its our gain. Sammie loves orange cats so of course she is happy lol!! They were born April 8th (Easter).. So they are almost 3 months old.. They are spastic and Walker LOVES them he acts like their dad which is totes adorable. P.Ranger is still getting use to them. She deals with them but with an attitude and is defiantly to cool for to school to play with them lol She doesn't hiss anymore though so that's good. She will actually be in the same room with them now.

 

***Some other stuff is going on but i'm not sure how I feel about it so it's to touchy of a subject now and this blog is kinda long already!! 

PEACE and LOVE!!! 

Some numbers if any one may need help with depression, suicidal thoughts,drug or alcohol problems::: 

• ~The Trevor Project ....!!!  # 866-488-7386  thetrevorproject.org

• ~Half of us...!!! halfofus.com     # 800-273-TALK

• ~Lookout Mountain Community Services # 706-861-3387 (fort-o office) and the after hours crisis line is  800-715-4225

 

A little fucking honesty : ) Time to vent!!

Update: No urges to cut! Weight issues are still huge, like me! Prozac is a bitch and does not work any longer (im on the high mg)  I think I need something stronger.. So I will be put on a mood stabilizer! My therapist thinks im Bi-polar. Well ummm I've been trying to tell the mother fucker that for almost a year now.!! Any who even with all that I am doing pretty good.!!!

Today I have been with the love of my life Samantha for 5 years and 8 months : ) I can not stress enough HOW MUCH I LOVE THAT WOMAN!!! I dont EVER get jealous but to be honest here lately I am so jealous of all these straight people and their marriages. I would give anything to legally marry my sammie. I know just as much as she does we dont need that damn certificate but GODDAMNIT we want one!! We want all the privileges that "married" people have. It sucks to have to say she is my "sister" if we have to go to the ER for anything. It sucks we cant have a joint checking account or savings account. It sucks she cant put me on her health insurance or vise versa. It sucks we cant file a joint income tax. It sucks that we cant have a vehicle in both our names. It sucks we cant buy a house and it be in both our names. It suck a big fucking dick!!! All the little things that most people take for granted we cant have because of stupid IGNORANT ass fucking bigots!! Did you know that it is LEGAL in more states to marry your legal cousin than it is to marry someone of the same sex.. UMMMMM HELLO WTF!!! How does that make scene?? That is just fucking sick!!! Just to be clear I AM NOT comparing being a homosexual to fucking and marrying your cousin. I am just stating that this world is fucked up!!! If you want to marry your cousin go ahead but if you want to marry someone of the same sex its to bad. I do not understand why other people get to vote on if
I can marry my soul mate, NO one voted on "straight" marriage or that you can marry your cousin! I know the world has come a long way when it comes to people being homosexuals but I can not wait til the day comes where I can get on one knee and purpose to my woman and we actually be able to have a legit wedding!! We could move away to a state that recognizes same sex marriage but how is that fair. Why should we have to leave our home, our family to be in a civil union BTW they dont call it a marriage. Even in states its legal to"marry" someone of the same sex you're still not considered being "married".. It makes me sick!!! I am only 24 and people I went to school with have been married already and/or DIVORCED for years!! Some of them are in happy marriages and that is great, awesome for them I am happy for them!! I really am!! If you wanted to, you could  go to Vegas get married to a complete stranger then file for an annulment the next day. Hell you could do that as many times as you want as long as its "one man and one woman"!!! Well I could go on and on and on and on but I am going to stop there because My blood pressure is rising lol!!!

On another note we are getting another kitten soon!!! We are going to name it Charlie no matter the sex of the kitten unless it looks like it should be named something else!! We are so excited and so are Pranger and Walker!!!

That is it for now!!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY SOMEDAY LEGAL WIFE SAMANTHA KAY SUMMERVILLE!!!!! I love you so MUCH baby!!! <3 xoxoxox!! Thanks for being my everything, my love!!

It's an everyday struggle.....

Update: LezzbeHonest!!  My mouth is still sore from my traumatizing dentist appointment!! Now I have another tooth that needs to be pulled.. On top of that all 4 wisdom teeth need to come out!! So both sides of my mouth are sore and hurting.. Great! I am just over all my dental problems but I can only blame myself.. I have done so much damage to my teeth due to my bulimia.. On the 22nd at the dentist Dr.Peterson told me bulimia is extremely hard on your teeth because of the acid in your stomach.. So  I will probably have to have dentures at a early age or have veneers which are both very expensive.. Its hard to hear those things.. I am only 24 years old.. Its hard knowing I put myself in this situation.. I struggle with my image still to this day even though I dont binge and purge anymore the urge is still there and I face it everyday.. Im having a hard time right now because I cant really eat anything so its putting me in a bad mind set.. I haven't been full (from eating) since the 22nd of my dentist appointment. I am trying to stay positive but its hard.. My wife is helping me and I call my sponsor but I wont lie its very hard. That being said I have not relapsed so that's one thing working in my favor.

...........Other stuff!!!

I just watched Demi Lovato's Documentary on MTV and as cheesy as it sounds it helped.. She has been through a lot of the same thing I have and If she can do it I can.. My goal is to one day be strong enough to step out and help people like she does.. Maybe speak at seminars or start counseling teens.. Right now I am not at that point.. There are places around here that help and hot lines to call.. Ill post some info on some at the end of this blog.

My dads Birthday was on March 4th.. It was an amazing day despite my mouth being hurt and sore and my damn torn acl was acting up.. My brothers came with sammie and I to see dad.. It really made his day.. He hasn't seen them in a while so it was good to see him that happy.. My dad is a huge jokester so at one point he said something about how he was glad all 5 of his daughters were there for his b day.. So I was thinking well there is Dakota, Benny,mark and me and then I realized the 5th one was sammie.. That made me so happy that he openly admitted to thinking of sammie as his daughter.. That was pretty awesome to hear..
Michelle my step mom cooked a yummy dinner and I couldn't eat it..boo..but I took some home with me and snacked on the mashed potatoes.. Yumm.. Well thats about it I believe!! Peace and love!!     

Helplines and such!!!  Taking the first step is hard but you can do it!! 

Half Of Us : Welcome

www.halfofus.com/

Lookout Mountain Community Services, Welcome (LMCS is based on income & local) 

www.lmcs.org

Call NEDA For Help NOW | nationaleatingdisorders.org

www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

The Love Out Loud Campaign

www.loveoutloudcampaign.com/

Preventing Suicide Among LGBTQ Youth | The Trevor Project

www.thetrevorproject.org

Teen Suicide Prevention - It Gets Better Proudly Supports

www.itgetsbetter.org/About

Sore mouth and busted lip.. Dentist experience from hell!

So I have had this jacked up tooth on the top left for about 3 months now.. Didn't start hurting til about a month and a half ago.. The wisdom tooth next to it came in and broke half of it off along with some of the filling and my dang root was exposed.. So February 13th I went to the dentist to have it extracted but no nothing is easy when it comes to me.. I had an infection and he wanted to run antibiotics for 10 days.. So I started them that day and he didn't prescribe me anything for the pain and advised me not to us any more oraljel because that could affect the numbing process when I come back.. Well I was in pain and needless to say I did enjoy some oraljel.. Not much but I guess just enough to make my experience on the 22nd not so fun.. So I am in lots of pain for 10 days with only minutes of relief with the oraljel that one time.. The 22nd arrives and I am beyond ready but extremely nervous all at the same time because I was scared that the infection would still be there and the tooth would have to stay in longer.. So when my wife got home from work at 5am on the 22nd she made me a wonderful breakfast since it may be awhile before I can eat anything solid if I get to have my tooth extracted.. She made omelets. Yummy. Mine was fresh spinach with limp bacon and lots of cheese!! She made some biscuits to go with it!!! She is so good to me!!! Then I took a bubble bath to get relaxed because by this point my anxiety was through the rough.. My wife washed and straightened my hair for me.. Then longest 20 minute car ride of my life.. Get to my dentist whom I've been to since I was about 13 Dr. Peterson. I get there 30 minutes before my appointment and they call me back right away.. Get back there everything turns out ok. NO INFECTION, thank  God.. Then the first shot of Novocaine.. 25 mins go by not that numb so the 2nd shot of Novocaine.. 25 more mins go by he does a couple things to see if I can feel it and yep sure enough still not numb so he gives me a 3rd spike of Novocaine.. 20 mins later he comes in there and I seem to be numb enough or so I thought.. He starts pulling away.. Ouch!! Why am I feeling this I say to my self and then the most horrible horrendous pain I have ever felt in my whole life shot through my mouth I yell so loud.. How embarrassing!!  Then cam spike 4 of Novocaine!! Now my whole dang face feels numb so yep Id say im good and numb now.. Lets try this again says the Dr. "Cross your fingers it comes out easy" he says.. OMG I say to my self thanks for jinxing me you fucker.. So he starts pulling and the pressure is intense but not to bad.. Tugging around on that S.O.B of a tooth.. HE used all kinds of different tools and then comes this huge scary looking thing.. He is pulling and tugging and the scary thing slipped and busted my FN lip.. I didn't feel it because of the Novocaine but it was bleeding a lot and he immediately said were going to have to cut it out. Shoot that'll be another $100 because I dont have insurance so it goes from $192 to $292 just like that. He did try everything he could so he wouldn't have to cut it out. I have never had a tooth cut out before so I did not know what to expect but boy oh boy that was so traumatizing.. There was a drill and the smell alone was freaking me out. He go the first 2 roots no problem then came the 3rd S.O.B root.. It was being stubborn well finally it came out and oh man I felt it.. He said I have never seen roots this long.. Any ways so the very hot dental assistant wipes all the blood off my face and he prescribes me some good pain meds and sends me on my way with a lot of apology's for busting my lip.. I know it was an accident so it's no big deal to me.. My sammie wham wham meets me at the door and helps me out to the car I was shaking and crying like a big baby. I took my baby toad (from Mario)  sammie got me for Valentines Day but he didn't help me
 any. lol. We go to Walgreen's to get my RX filled and this cute little kid says to his mom WOW her her is blue can I have my hair blue. She looks at me weird then looks at her kid and says if that is what you want. That was not what I expected to come out of her mouth.. Way to go for that mom!! She didn't judge me based on my hair color or that my wife was holding my hand instead she thought her kid a good lesson. Kids do as there parents do and I thought that was awesome of her.

Later.... I get home my baby fixed the bedroom up for me.. Lots of pillows, powerade, a throw up bucket (sick but sweet) and some books and magazines.. The meds kicked in fast though and I was out of it.. Now I am starving I have only had about 2 tablespoons of jello and half a cup of mashed potatoes. I have been drinking plenty of fluids though.. My meds are working pretty good.. I am no tin pain just sore.. I would like to thank my sammie so much for how amazing she is.. It's times like these that I know we'll be just fine when we are old and grey.

Oh and how could I forget... I have to have the wisdom tooth that is in pulled and the other 3 cut out soon so this doesn't happen again.. WOW I am soooooooooooo NOT ready for that!! Not one bit!!


Well that's my horrendous story of my scary crazy dentist appointment!!!

Til' next time peace and love!!!   

Sorry Its been a minute!

       Sorry its been a while since my last post.. A lot has been going on since then.. Major tooth pain due to my wisdom tooth on the upper left side cracking my tooth next to it. Ouchie!!! So the root is exposed and im on antibiotics because an infection set up, boo.. So any who after the antibiotics are gone I can have the tooth extracted.. Thank goodness!!! On top of that I tore my acl back in the summer and about two weeks ago I fell on my moms back porch and landed on my dang knee.. Yes the torn acl knee. My luck, it couldn't have been the other knee. So I have been dealing with that.. Enough complaining.. Im still going to Lookout Mountain Community Services. Keeping my goals and not cutting!!! The brothers stayed this week with us which was awesome. I love when they come and stay.. We had a blast.. Mark gauged his ears to a 6 and he has some batman plugs which are amazing. Jealous!! Benny and I dyed our hair. My hair is 2 different shades of blue with blonde-ish grey highlights!! Benny's is a crimson red, it looks awesome!! Sammie got a new tattoo. She has been wanting a new one so that was her Valentines Days gift from me.. Sammie is taking them home right now and I already miss them.. Benny and I are just alike.. I swear we are the same person.. Mark is so darn funny. He kept us laughing the whole time!!! We made yummy home made fettuccine Alfredo and banana pudding one night and OH MY GOODNESS I love me some banana pudding!!!

               Other things going on I am starting to read "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" I am really excited about it!! I am patiently waiting for The Hunger Games movie to come out in March. Watching a lot of Supernatural.. I love Dean he is so funny and not to bad to look at.. Sammie is still working at Amazon and loving it!! I am trying to get my GED which is in my very near future!! I've also been painting a lot.. Painting to me is so therapeutic. I didn't want to start painting because I am scared to mess up and I thought it would be easier to mess up since I am a beginner at painting but i have found that if I mess up it's ok and to just paint over it or to change the original idea of the painting. To change the original idea or any plans for that matter that are already made stress me out but it's different with painting. I love it!!! I've also been trying to sketch out my next tattoo.. Sammie is getting me one for my Birthday in April.. Im getting a pin up girl on my right arm. I am sooo beyond excited for that!! Well that is about it!! Peace and love!!!

Intro to my life

I was born in a small town in Georgia. My mom and dad got married very young after they had my older brother Benny in March of 86. I was born a little over a year after him in April of 87. My dad started working at Candlewick in Ringgold a little after I was born and on October 13th 1988 my little brother Mark was born. He was born with Cerebral palsy a disability that affects the way he walks,thinks and reacts to things. He has never let it get in his way. He graduated from RHS in 2008. I am so very proud of him. My mom and dad divorced when I was around 13. To say the divorce was messy is an understatement. It affected me in so many ways because at the time I was struggling with an issue that a lot of people with depression struggle with. I was secretly  cutting myself. Being torn on which parent you want to live with was hard enough but also fighting feelings you've been told your whole life are wrong like being "gay" was even harder. I had "boyfriends" I tried to be "Normal". My dad re-married and I got a baby step brother out of it, little kota bug. He is my best bud.  I was also facing a bigger issue that mad the cutting worse. My self image. I became very disgusted with my weight at 14 and started throwing up after every meal. I would go walking around the block were I lived 2 to 3 times a day. I would also get up in the middle of the night for no reason and do crunches. The weight never really went away quick enough for me so my favorite way to cope with it was to sit in my closet with my razor and cut til the pain was so intense and the blood was dripping enough to satisfy me. At 16 my dad read my journal and didn't like things he saw and he took me to Lookout Mountain Community Services for counseling. That helped for a bit but not fully because I was still hiding the fact that I was cutting myself. My dad only knew of the throwing up and depression. When I was 17 the truth finally came out not because I wanted it to but because my step mom and step aunt one day saw the cuts when my sleeve came up on accident. I was devastated. That was my secret, something I held so precious to me. The worse part was that my dad thought I was trying to kill myself. I wasn't I just wanted to feel. My mom didn't know about the cutting or bulimia til way later. I didn't seek further treatment for my cutting because I didn't feel I needed it. When I was 18 I was working at Cracker Barrel in Ringgold and I moved in with my friend around September and she already had this other girl living with her at the time. Her name was Samantha. She was an out lesbian and I thought she was very sexy. She thought I was a bitch at first which is kind of true. Our friendship grew though and in November we all 3 went to Nashville and the sparks flew. She threw me up against the bathroom wall and started kissing me. Wow, I have never had a woman come on to me like that. I have always been the instigator when it came to those types of situations. My life was forever changed after that. I was out and proud. Finally I could say I was a Lesbian and not be scared or even car what people thought of me. I stopped cutting for a long time until family issues and the issue of me being gay tore me and my dad apart. See I am the biggest daddies girl EVER so when I saw the disappointment's in his face every time I was around Sammie and talked about how much I loved her it tore me apart inside. To top it off things started getting bad between him and my two brothers so the pressure for me to be there and what he expected were high to high and maybe it was all in my mind I don't know but I felt the pressure to be prefect weather it was intended that way or not by him. Sammie and I were having lots of financial problems and we had to live apart for 8 months I lived with my mom and she lived with her dad. That didn't help the depression any and I was not on any medication at that point. I was cutting at least once a week while staying with my mom. Then finally we moved back in together in February of 2010 the cutting stopped again for a while. Family issues on both sides now were even greater and the stress and depression were really getting to me. Everything between Sammie and I was perfect we got 2 cats in December of 2010 Walker and P.Ranger. Sammie and I were extremely happy but I was not happy with myself. Not finishing the things I had wanted to have accomplished by then and my weight had gotten out of control and the bulimia became an issue again along with the cutting but this time accompanied with Alcohol. I'm about to tell you all something that only a few people know about and the reason I'm sharing this is to hopefully help someone out there who is struggling with the same things as I have. On August 16th of 2011 I tried to kill myself. I had a very large amount of Jack Daniels after Sammie had went to bed and I got in the tub and cut myself really bad. Sammie found me around 4am UNconscious and called 911 I went to Hutcheson were I stayed til around 2am then they took to Highland Rivers in Dalton, a Stabilization clinic. I was there til the 24th of August. I learned a lot while I was there and made 2 really good friends. I am now going 2 to 3 times a month to Lookout Mountain Community Services and I am on Prozac for my depression. I haven't cut my self since then and haven't even had the urge.. Since then My dad has really opened up to Sammie and everything is going really good.. I am soooo HAPPY and I am soooo glad it didn't end for me that night. I have so much to look forward to and as cheesy as it sounds IT DOES GET BETTER... Sammie and I are planning on having a Commitment ceremony in November and soon after that start IVF treatments. My life is something I appreciate now. I love myself fully so I can love Sammie to the fullest amount now and my brothers and I are really close again. I have a good relationship with my parents including step parents. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am a Lesbian and I WAS born this way..I mean I remember back in the first grade is when I first kissed a girl and remember going home and thinking wow I am going to marry a woman someday not a man. I never pictured my future wedding with a man. I love women and I am not afraid to admit it. Sammie is my rock my world. She is truly the best life partner a girl could ask for. Her strength is astonishing. She has beyond the qualities a hero has. She is my hero! I love my Sammie Wham Wham!!  My role model is Demi Lovato because she has faced the same things I have and look at her now. She is amazing and I am glad to say I am strong like her and have over came a lot and love life to the the fullest now.   Thanks for taking time to read my blog. I promise all of them wont be this long.  Time to go to bed now!! Peace and Love!!