Intro to my life

I was born in a small town in Georgia. My mom and dad got married very young after they had my older brother Benny in March of 86. I was born a little over a year after him in April of 87. My dad started working at Candlewick in Ringgold a little after I was born and on October 13th 1988 my little brother Mark was born. He was born with Cerebral palsy a disability that affects the way he walks,thinks and reacts to things. He has never let it get in his way. He graduated from RHS in 2008. I am so very proud of him. My mom and dad divorced when I was around 13. To say the divorce was messy is an understatement. It affected me in so many ways because at the time I was struggling with an issue that a lot of people with depression struggle with. I was secretly  cutting myself. Being torn on which parent you want to live with was hard enough but also fighting feelings you've been told your whole life are wrong like being "gay" was even harder. I had "boyfriends" I tried to be "Normal". My dad re-married and I got a baby step brother out of it, little kota bug. He is my best bud.  I was also facing a bigger issue that mad the cutting worse. My self image. I became very disgusted with my weight at 14 and started throwing up after every meal. I would go walking around the block were I lived 2 to 3 times a day. I would also get up in the middle of the night for no reason and do crunches. The weight never really went away quick enough for me so my favorite way to cope with it was to sit in my closet with my razor and cut til the pain was so intense and the blood was dripping enough to satisfy me. At 16 my dad read my journal and didn't like things he saw and he took me to Lookout Mountain Community Services for counseling. That helped for a bit but not fully because I was still hiding the fact that I was cutting myself. My dad only knew of the throwing up and depression. When I was 17 the truth finally came out not because I wanted it to but because my step mom and step aunt one day saw the cuts when my sleeve came up on accident. I was devastated. That was my secret, something I held so precious to me. The worse part was that my dad thought I was trying to kill myself. I wasn't I just wanted to feel. My mom didn't know about the cutting or bulimia til way later. I didn't seek further treatment for my cutting because I didn't feel I needed it. When I was 18 I was working at Cracker Barrel in Ringgold and I moved in with my friend around September and she already had this other girl living with her at the time. Her name was Samantha. She was an out lesbian and I thought she was very sexy. She thought I was a bitch at first which is kind of true. Our friendship grew though and in November we all 3 went to Nashville and the sparks flew. She threw me up against the bathroom wall and started kissing me. Wow, I have never had a woman come on to me like that. I have always been the instigator when it came to those types of situations. My life was forever changed after that. I was out and proud. Finally I could say I was a Lesbian and not be scared or even car what people thought of me. I stopped cutting for a long time until family issues and the issue of me being gay tore me and my dad apart. See I am the biggest daddies girl EVER so when I saw the disappointment's in his face every time I was around Sammie and talked about how much I loved her it tore me apart inside. To top it off things started getting bad between him and my two brothers so the pressure for me to be there and what he expected were high to high and maybe it was all in my mind I don't know but I felt the pressure to be prefect weather it was intended that way or not by him. Sammie and I were having lots of financial problems and we had to live apart for 8 months I lived with my mom and she lived with her dad. That didn't help the depression any and I was not on any medication at that point. I was cutting at least once a week while staying with my mom. Then finally we moved back in together in February of 2010 the cutting stopped again for a while. Family issues on both sides now were even greater and the stress and depression were really getting to me. Everything between Sammie and I was perfect we got 2 cats in December of 2010 Walker and P.Ranger. Sammie and I were extremely happy but I was not happy with myself. Not finishing the things I had wanted to have accomplished by then and my weight had gotten out of control and the bulimia became an issue again along with the cutting but this time accompanied with Alcohol. I'm about to tell you all something that only a few people know about and the reason I'm sharing this is to hopefully help someone out there who is struggling with the same things as I have. On August 16th of 2011 I tried to kill myself. I had a very large amount of Jack Daniels after Sammie had went to bed and I got in the tub and cut myself really bad. Sammie found me around 4am UNconscious and called 911 I went to Hutcheson were I stayed til around 2am then they took to Highland Rivers in Dalton, a Stabilization clinic. I was there til the 24th of August. I learned a lot while I was there and made 2 really good friends. I am now going 2 to 3 times a month to Lookout Mountain Community Services and I am on Prozac for my depression. I haven't cut my self since then and haven't even had the urge.. Since then My dad has really opened up to Sammie and everything is going really good.. I am soooo HAPPY and I am soooo glad it didn't end for me that night. I have so much to look forward to and as cheesy as it sounds IT DOES GET BETTER... Sammie and I are planning on having a Commitment ceremony in November and soon after that start IVF treatments. My life is something I appreciate now. I love myself fully so I can love Sammie to the fullest amount now and my brothers and I are really close again. I have a good relationship with my parents including step parents. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am a Lesbian and I WAS born this way..I mean I remember back in the first grade is when I first kissed a girl and remember going home and thinking wow I am going to marry a woman someday not a man. I never pictured my future wedding with a man. I love women and I am not afraid to admit it. Sammie is my rock my world. She is truly the best life partner a girl could ask for. Her strength is astonishing. She has beyond the qualities a hero has. She is my hero! I love my Sammie Wham Wham!!  My role model is Demi Lovato because she has faced the same things I have and look at her now. She is amazing and I am glad to say I am strong like her and have over came a lot and love life to the the fullest now.   Thanks for taking time to read my blog. I promise all of them wont be this long.  Time to go to bed now!! Peace and Love!!